Happy Birthday to me!

Exactly one year ago today, in Wisconsin Dells (the self-proclaimed “Water Park Capital of the World”), a little pooch was born. There was no room in the bed, so his mom had to give birth to him in a manger. 3 wise dogs brought him gifts of pepperoni, rawhide, and Wii cords. There was a bright star up in the sky – but then it turned out to be an airplane.

Ok, so I made that whole thing up. Except the part where I was born. Today is my birthday! Can you believe it???? I’m 1 year old today. Funny: it seems more like 7 years. Hmmmmmm…

Anyways, I’ve got a pretty damn good life. Two wonderful alphas who love me, a warm kennel whenever I need it, food in the dish, a nice little perch on the couch for window watching and sun bathing, plenty of toys, a yard full of dirt to dig and roll in, washcloth baths every morning, a big hallway to run down, and a clean bill of health. Yup, my life is pretty good. I’m so happy to have been born!

Me when I was born:

 

Sleeping... something you never grow out of

 

And now…

 

I guess you don't grow out of happiness either!

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I’ve been terminated

No, not that way! This way:

Forget T1, T2 and T3. I’m the TP – TERMINATOR PUPPY! Now tell me where John Connor is or I’ll rip off your arms destroy you crush your skull TERMIN-eat all your Kraft singles!

 

Puppies: click here.

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Imdoginations

At parties, I’ve been known to do some killer imdoginations (sort of like “impersonations” but for dogs). I’m the hit of the party! People go nuts! One guy’s drink came out through his nose. Another guy didn’t go nuts, but did go out for nuts since we had run out.

I love making people laugh at parties, but all the attention makes it hard to steal a taste of the bacon dip. Anyways, here’s some imdoginations that I’ve been practicing… at the end you can vote for your favorite!

 

First, Winston Churchill. I haven’t quite mastered the accent yet…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gene Simmons from KISS…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next, Dame Judi Dench as Queen Elizabeth from Shakespeare in Love:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And finally, the movie “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ok, now VOTE!

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Twitter

 

Tweet!

 

Ok pooches and poochettes, here’s the deal… I know I haven’t been the best at keeping up the blog lately. Like I said, I’ve been grounded for putting my little shnoz toe-deep in a skimmer and chewing. (So sue me!) But thousands of you have emailed/called/texted/carrier-pigeoned/burning-bacon-grease-signaled (that’s the best kind!), telling me to get off my tailless ass and snap to it.

And it got me thinking – I need to be better about staying in touch with my fans. So I’m starting a twitter feed. I know, I know – tweets are for birds, not dogs. But since barker.com is not up yet, I’ll have to settle for twitter. All I can say is that I never would have agreed to do it if it was called squirreler.com. Because I HATE squirrels. (I always feel like that fat one is watching me in the backyard and it creeps me out.)

Anyways, for those of you who don’t know what Twitter is – it is a website that lets me update you on what I’m doing all day long. If I’m chewing a bone, I’ll tell you about it. If I’m plunging my face into kibble, that’s what I’ll say. If I’m tearing up a nice, soft, supple pair of Ferragamo loafers, I’ll write “sleeping.”

Click here for my Twitter page.

If you sign up for Twitter, you can choose to “follow” me, and my updates will show up on your feed automatically. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to make like a dog, and tweet.

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President’s Day

Today is President’s Day, and in my honest opinion, it should be celebrated. I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to work today. My boss can take his “mush mush!” and shove it! Haha just kidding – I don’t have a job. Unless you count the 3rd shift at the gas station cleaning the hot dog cooker, but that’s just for a little extra spending cash.

Anyways, President’s Day is pretty cool. Especially now that we have Obama as our president. You see, he’s part white/part black, and things that are white and black are pretty awesome. I think you know where I’m going with this…

‘Nuff said.

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Thanks for the letters!

Since I’ve gotten (*gulp*) “lopped,” thousands of well-wishing letters have poured in from around the globe. I loved them all (except the mean one from the cat)!! Here are a few of my favorites:

 

Hi Bisket,

I’m so sorry to hear about your neutering. I just wanted to wish you a speedy recovery. If you need anything (maybe some cheese??), please let me know – I’m always there for you.

Love,
Sara-Jo K., MPLS, MN

 

Bisket,

I was shocked to read about your recent neutering. I have a lot of experience with surgical procedures. Just look at my hair plugs. Do you think those felt good to put in??? No sir! Regardless, I wish you a speedy recovery, and hope you and your family have a blessed and safe 2009. Oh, and support to stimulus package. (No, that’s not some sort of sick neutering joke).

God Bless America,
Vice President Joe Biden

 

Bisket,

I know what it’s like to be neutered. It’s not fun, but it’s for the best. Sometimes you’ve just gotta take one (or two!) for the team. Just think of what this could do for your career! If I hadn’t been chopped, I would’ve never made it into the hearts of Americans across the country (Kelsey Grammar fired the dog before me because it kept peeing on his snakeskin boots).

All the best,
That dog from the hit TV show Frasier 

 

Dear Bisket,

You are such a hero to us. Mrs. Jones reads us your blog every day between recess and math class. It makes us happy. One day, we made puppets of you out of old socks and buttons. Then we made a picture of you using black and white construction paper. We are sorry to hear about your testicle (whatever that is). We hope you are feeling better! We love you!

Love,
Mrs. Jones and her Third Grade Class, Philadelphia, PA

 

Almighty Bisket,

You are very great. And the people of my village are humbled by your power and heroic act of neutering. Please give us a bountiful harvest, and many rains to moisten the parched earth. We have made a sacrifice of many sausages in your name. You are the greatest god of all!

By the power of Zeus!
Odessius III, Ancient Greece

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Nominations!

 

Written by: Bisket

 

I love movies! By my count, I’ve watched over 1,145 movies in the 7 months of my life. Of course that’s counting the 1,144 times I’ve watched Turner and Hooch and the one time I watched the Estelle Getty/Sylvester Stallone masterpiece Stop! Or my mom will shoot (hey, it was on TNT). Anyways, that pretty much makes me an expert on movies.

As you know, the Oscar nominations came out today – and since everyone else in the house is excited about it, this pooch is too. Here’s how the Oscars work:

1. All year long, movies and actors try to impress this bald guy named Oscar.
2. If Oscar likes them, he picks them as one of the best. If not, they are deposited directly to that little bin at the video store that says “2 for $20!”
3. If your movie is picked as THE BEST in each category, you get a gold statue that can be unwrapped and eaten as a delicious chocolate treat. (For dog movies, it is made of ground beef).

So anyways, here are a few Oscar nominations and my picks for the large chocolate statue:

 

More movies about rich dogs please!

BEST PICTURE:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire 

My pick: Let’s see… I don’t like buttons because I don’t have thumbs, so Benjamin Button is out. I HATE the cold, so Frost is out. Milk is for cats, so forget that one. I do like to read, but Slumdog Millionaire is obviously about a rags-to-riches dog that hits it big and I LOVE that! So my pick for best picture is Slumdog Millionaire.

 

 

Mickey Rourke. He loves his dog. He sorta looks like a dog. I hereby name him an honorary dog!

BEST ACTOR:

Richard Jenkins – The Visitor
Frank Langella – Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn – Milk
Brad Pitt – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke – The Wrestler

My pick: Well, if Richard Jenkins came to visit, I’m sure I would lick his face. Then again, I’d lick anyone’s face, so that one’s out. You know my opinion on frost and milk and buttons, so they’re out. I was watching the Golden Globes when Mickey Rourke won best actor, and he thanked his dogs. “Sometimes when a man’s alone, the only thing he has is his dog.”  Damn right. My pick for best actor is Mickey Rourke.

 

 

 

Kate Winslet enjoys reading my blog. Naked!

BEST ACTRESS:

Anne Hathaway – Rachel Getting Married
Angelina Jolie – Changeling
Melissa Leo – Frozen River
Meryl Streep – Doubt
Kate Winslet – The Reader

My pick: Well I wasn’t invited to Rachel’s wedding, so why should I vote for it. What a bitch. I have no idea what a “changeling” is, and I think Angelina Jolie should adopt more pets and leave the kid adopting to Madonna. Why all these movies about cold stuff?? I would vote for it if it was called “Hot Tub River”, but I am SICK of the cold! Since I love YOU, the loyal readers of my blog, I will cast my vote in your honor for Kate Winslet in The Reader. By the way, how many jokes will there be on Oscar night about both Kate and Leo being nominated in the same category? Booooooooo.

 

 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

Amy Adams – Doubt
Penelope Cruz – Vicki Christina Barcelona
Viola Davis – Doubt
Taraji P Hensen – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Marisa Tomei – The Wrestler

My pick:  I like an actress with confidence – and acting in a movie called Doubt doesn’t seem very confident to me, so those two are out. And I HATE BUTTONS. I mean c’mon, I know I don’t have thumbs, so stop rubbing it in! I think I’ll have to go with Marisa Tomei just because of my love of wrestling. With other dogs. Over rubber toys. Which I’m pretty sure this movie is all about.

 

 

The kind of awesomeness that makes you send me delicious cuts of beef.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

Josh Brolin – Milk
Robert Downey Jr – Tropic Thunder
Philip Seymour Hoffman – Doubt
Heath Ledger – The Dark Knight
Michael Shannon – Revolutionary Road

My pick: Again, cats drink milk. I can’t stand cats. Therefore, I can’t stand milk. Thunderstorms make me go bezerko, although I do like tropic…. AHHHH! HELP!!!! Heath Ledger’s awesomeness has taken control of my paws and is making me type that my pick for best supporting actor is Heath Ledger! And now his awesomeness is making me type that you should send large cuts of beef to Bisket at the following address: 551… Ok ok, phew! I’m back and in control. Wow, and we all know that when Heath Ledger awesomeness speaks, you should listen. So, you know, get on that beef, ok? For Heath.

 

Bisket is a boston terrier from Minneapolis, MN. You can read all his writings at this blog: http://www.lifewithpaws.wordpress.com. He loves jerky and licking your face.

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“It’s a major award!” – A Christmas Story

I love that movie! Especially the part where all the dogs are running through the house. Hahahaha!

Anyways, I have an announcement to make: I have won a major award! On my December 24th post, a mysterious (and mustachioed) man told me that I had won the “Blog of the Day Award.” Isn’t that exciting?!?!?

Now, I haven’t received the award yet in the mail. So if you’re reading, mustachioed man, please send me the likeness of my blog carved out of summer sausage (That is the prize you give for this honor, right????)

In other news, I have also won the “Blog of the Century Award”. It is awarded by myself to myself, and is for writing the best blog the past century… and come to think of it, the next century as well. It is also for being awesome. And having large ears. I am hereby renaming my award the “Blog of the double-Century of Awesomeness and Excessive Ears Award.” The prize shall be a lifetime supply of jerky. But until that happens, I’ll settle for this trophy shaped like a rubber octopus:

 

The Blog of the double-Century of Awesomeness and Excessive Ears Award. (for now)

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Bisket is… Mr. Smarty NoPants

I wish to entertain you.

The way I see it, I have 3 purposes in life:

1. To entertain you.
2. To educate you.
3. To eventually break into the refrigerator and eat my way through a sea of potatoes, cheese, and leftover chicken salad.

We both know that I am fully capable of entertaining you. But do we both know that I can also educate you??? One of us does.

See, I don’t want to be seen as just another pretty irresistibly cute and stunningly dashing face. I want to be known for my brain too! So I’m starting a new segment:

“Bisket is… Mr. Smarty NoPants”

For each segment, I will educate you with a kernel of my infinite puppy knowledge. Sound good? I knew you’d think so.

So now, I present to you my first installment of…

 

BISKET IS… MR. SMARTY NoPANTS
Category: History

Cats: Greatly Depressing

 

Did you know (probably not) that cats caused The Great Depression? 1928 was a tough year for dogs. More and more people were getting cats as pets. Dogs were kicked to the curb. They tried to reason, but the cat union said, “We will poo in a box.” And the people were convinced.

In 1929, the stock market went in the crapper – this was known as “The Great Recession.” People got down on their luck and needed some cheering up at home. They expected their cats to cheer them up. But the cats hid under the couch, or in the cupboard and wouldn’t come out. They provided no happiness – no happiness whatsoever. Not even a wag of the tail or a welcome home greeting (they did occasionally claw a table leg). So the people got sadder… and sadder… and sadder. And this turned The Great Recession into The Great Depression.

Luckily, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt (a president with 3 great dog names as his real name) created the New Deal. It provided emergency relief for the people – most notably throwing parachuted puppies from airplanes on Christmas Eve. “A pup to pick you up,” FDR promised. The dogs floated safely to the ground, wagging their tails and licking the faces of all Americans (who didn’t even mind the puppy breath!). The people were happy, their spirits soared, and the economy boomed.

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Terrier. Boston Terrier.

The best part about being a Boston Terrier is the outfit. Check it out: the snappy black and white combo of our fur has christened us “The American Gentleman.” And also, more appropriately, “The Dog of Bond.”

Me on a mission in Costa Rica

It’s not only because it looks like we’re wearing a charming little tuxedo (minus the bow tie, because those are a pain to tie). Nope, it’s also because Boston Terriers have often been asked to lead secret James Bond style death missions – Code Name: Agent 008 (or Agent 0056 in dog agent numbers).

Thanks to our tuxedo disguise, we can nimbly infiltrate badguy-hosted cocktail parties and piano recitals. (We are not good at casual secret missions, as we are almost always overdressed) When the moment is right, we sneak into the bad guy’s office and chew up his favorite slippers. This distracts Dr. Evil/Dr. Claw/Dr. Andrew Weil just long enough for the SWAT team to move in for the kill.

Agent 00Jerk

You’re thinking: “Oh yeah, why haven’t I seen any Boston Terriers in the James Bond movies?” Well, I can answer that – Sean Connery is an asshole.

Let me explain. The 1964 Bond film “Goldfinger” was supposed to be called “Boston Terror” and star Connery and a Boston Terrier secret agent. This never happened because Sean Connery said he’d never share the silver screen with a dog – especially one that was better looking than he! And since everything Sean Connery says is international law, Boston Terriers would never be in a Bond film again.

All I have to say is watch your slippers, Mr. Connery. Watch – your – slippers.

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