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Archive for the ‘Cats’ Category

I wonder if cats take dognaps?

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I’m all talk. This is a blog, after all! And that means that no matter how much I trash-talk cats, I would never hurta real one. But once a fake one steps on my turf, it’s on, baby – IT’S ON!!!!

This is Mr. Mittens. Or “Monsieur Mittens” as he likes to be called. He’s got a French accent, a French attitude and a penchant for, well, just acting French! So I put him back in his place whenever he acts up. Case in point:

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They're called FREEDOM FRIES, frog!

Hahaha I kid, I kid. Mittens and I are best friends – and he makes a mean mayonnaise. More adventures on the way??? Could be!

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Well, it’s raining cats and dogs here in Minneapolis. (Nice to see the cats actually doing something – albeit falling from the sky)  I’m chillin’ kennelside with nothing to do but chew an old knucklebone and miss the sun.

Ahh, sunshine. I love to stick my face in it! When the alphas get home from lunch, I give them the obligatory jump on the leg and then I’m out the door and into the sweet sweet rays of Mr. Samuel Sun. (Yes, the sun has a first name. And yes, it is Samuel)

Picture me rollin’ (in sunshine):

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Ok so it’s been a LOOOONG time since I’ve written last. What happened?? I have no excuse. But just look at my little face and tell me you’re mad – I dare you!

Anyways, it’s raining dogs and dogs today. Which means I’ve held my poo all day. Right now, it’s 10:06 PM and I have to go super bad. But I am NOT going out in that rain. I hate how it feels like a bunch of pins and needles on my little head and in my ears. (By the way, where did the saying “pins and needles” come from? Has anyone ever had a ton of pins and needles held up against their hands or feet?? How do they know that a pink stuffed elephant wearing ruby slippers doesn’t feel like cold June rain, or a sleeping limb? Sheesh.) The alphas say I have to “do a 2” before bed. I’m not looking forward to it.

Did you know I have a new little cousin?? Yup, Auntie Rhonda had her litter of one. Her name is Aubrey. I’ll place her in the category of cousins I love: Aubrey and Phoebe. I can’t wait until those two grow up a little bit – then I’ll be able to lick food off their dirty little kiddie faces. YUM!

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Bisket

Written by: Bisket

 

I love movies! By my count, I’ve watched over 1,145 movies in the 7 months of my life. Of course that’s counting the 1,144 times I’ve watched Turner and Hooch and the one time I watched the Estelle Getty/Sylvester Stallone masterpiece Stop! Or my mom will shoot (hey, it was on TNT). Anyways, that pretty much makes me an expert on movies.

As you know, the Oscar nominations came out today – and since everyone else in the house is excited about it, this pooch is too. Here’s how the Oscars work:

  1. All year long, movies and actors try to impress this bald guy named Oscar.
  2. If Oscar likes them, he picks them as one of the best. If not, they are deposited directly to that little bin at the video store that says “2 for $20!”
  3. If your movie is picked as THE BEST in each category, you get a gold statue that can be unwrapped and eaten as a delicious chocolate treat. (For dog movies, it is made of ground beef).

So anyways, here are a few Oscar nominations and my picks for the large chocolate statue:

 

More movies about rich dogs please!

More movies about rich dogs please!

BEST PICTURE:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire 

My pick: Let’s see… I don’t like buttons because I don’t have thumbs, so Benjamin Button is out. I HATE the cold, so Frost is out. Milk is for cats, so forget that one. I do like to read, but Slumdog Millionaire is obviously about a rags-to-riches dog that hits it big and I LOVE that! So my pick for best picture is Slumdog Millionaire.

 

 

honorary dog.

Mickey Rourke. He loves his dog. He sorta looks like a dog. I hereby name him an honorary dog!

BEST ACTOR:

Richard Jenkins – The Visitor
Frank Langella – Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn – Milk
Brad Pitt – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke – The Wrestler

My pick: Well, if Richard Jenkins came to visit, I’m sure I would lick his face. Then again, I’d lick anyone’s face, so that one’s out. You know my opinion on frost and milk and buttons, so they’re out. I was watching the Golden Globes when Mickey Rourke won best actor, and he thanked his dogs. “Sometimes when a man’s alone, the only thing he has is his dog.”  Damn right. My pick for best actor is Mickey Rourke.

 

 

 

Kate Winslet enjoys reading my blog. Naked!

Kate Winslet enjoys reading my blog. Naked!

BEST ACTRESS:

Anne Hathaway – Rachel Getting Married
Angelina Jolie – Changeling
Melissa Leo – Frozen River
Meryl Streep – Doubt
Kate Winslet – The Reader

My pick: Well I wasn’t invited to Rachel’s wedding, so why should I vote for it. What a bitch. I have no idea what a “changeling” is, and I think Angelina Jolie should adopt more pets and leave the kid adopting to Madonna. Why all these movies about cold stuff?? I would vote for it if it was called “Hot Tub River”, but I am SICK of the cold! Since I love YOU, the loyal readers of my blog, I will cast my vote in your honor for Kate Winslet in The Reader. By the way, how many jokes will there be on Oscar night about both Kate and Leo being nominated in the same category? Booooooooo.

 

 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

Amy Adams – Doubt
Penelope Cruz – Vicki Christina Barcelona
Viola Davis – Doubt
Taraji P Hensen – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Marisa Tomei – The Wrestler

My pick:  I like an actress with confidence – and acting in a movie called Doubt doesn’t seem very confident to me, so those two are out. And I HATE BUTTONS. I mean c’mon, I know I don’t have thumbs, so stop rubbing it in! I think I’ll have to go with Marisa Tomei just because of my love of wrestling. With other dogs. Over rubber toys. Which I’m pretty sure this movie is all about.

 

 

Awesomeness that makes you send me delicious cuts of beef.

The kind of awesomeness that makes you send me delicious cuts of beef.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

Josh Brolin – Milk
Robert Downey Jr – Tropic Thunder
Philip Seymour Hoffman – Doubt
Heath Ledger – The Dark Knight
Michael Shannon – Revolutionary Road

My pick: Again, cats drink milk. I can’t stand cats. Therefore, I can’t stand milk. Thunderstorms make me go bezerko, although I do like tropic…. AHHHH! HELP!!!! Heath Ledger’s awesomeness has taken control of my paws and is making me type that my pick for best supporting actor is Heath Ledger! And now his awesomeness is making me type that you should send large cuts of beef to Bisket at the following address: 551… Ok ok, phew! I’m back and in control. Wow, and we all know that when Heath Ledger awesomeness speaks, you should listen. So, you know, get on that beef, ok? For Heath.

 

Bisket is a boston terrier from Minneapolis, MN. You can read all his writings at this blog: http://www.lifewithpaws.wordpress.com. He loves jerky and licking your face.

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I wish to entertain you.

I wish to entertain you.

The way I see it, I have 3 purposes in life:

  1. To entertain you.
  2. To educate you.
  3. To eventually break into the refrigerator and eat my way through a sea of potatoes, cheese, and leftover chicken salad.

We both know that I am fully capable of entertaining you. But do we both know that I can also educate you??? One of us does.

See, I don’t want to be seen as just another pretty irresistibly cute and stunningly dashing face. I want to be known for my brain too! So I’m starting a new segment:

“Bisket is… Mr. Smarty NoPants”

For each segment, I will educate you with a kernel of my infinite puppy knowledge. Sound good? I knew you’d think so.

So now, I present to you my first installment of…

 

BISKET IS… MR. SMARTY NoPANTS
Category: History

Greatly Depressing

Cats: Greatly Depressing

 

Did you know (probably not) that cats caused The Great Depression? 1928 was a tough year for dogs. More and more people were getting cats as pets. Dogs were kicked to the curb. They tried to reason, but the cat union said, “We will poo in a box.” And the people were convinced.

In 1929, the stock market went in the crapper – this was known as “The Great Recession.” People got down on their luck and needed some cheering up at home. They expected their cats to cheer them up. But the cats hid under the couch, or in the cupboard and wouldn’t come out. They provided no happiness – no happiness whatsoever. Not even a wag of the tail or a welcome home greeting (they did occasionally claw a table leg). So the people got sadder… and sadder… and sadder. And this turned The Great Recession into The Great Depression.

Luckily, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt (a president with 3 great dog names as his real name) created the New Deal. It provided emergency relief for the people – most notably throwing parachuted puppies from airplanes on Christmas Eve. “A pup to pick you up,” FDR promised. The dogs floated safely to the ground, wagging their tails and licking the faces of all Americans (who didn’t even mind the puppy breath!). The people were happy, their spirits soared, and the economy boomed.

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