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Archive for the ‘Surgery’ Category

Since I’ve gotten (*gulp*) “lopped,” thousands of well-wishing letters have poured in from around the globe. I loved them all (except the mean one from the cat)!! Here are a few of my favorites:

 

Hi Bisket,

I’m so sorry to hear about your neutering. I just wanted to wish you a speedy recovery. If you need anything (maybe some cheese??), please let me know – I’m always there for you.

Love,
Sara-Jo K., MPLS, MN

 

Bisket,

I was shocked to read about your recent neutering. I have a lot of experience with surgical procedures. Just look at my hair plugs. Do you think those felt good to put in??? No sir! Regardless, I wish you a speedy recovery, and hope you and your family have a blessed and safe 2009. Oh, and support to stimulus package. (No, that’s not some sort of sick neutering joke).

God Bless America,
Vice President Joe Biden

 

Bisket,

I know what it’s like to be neutered. It’s not fun, but it’s for the best. Sometimes you’ve just gotta take one (or two!) for the team. Just think of what this could do for your career! If I hadn’t been chopped, I would’ve never made it into the hearts of Americans across the country (Kelsey Grammar fired the dog before me because it kept peeing on his snakeskin boots).

All the best,
That dog from the hit TV show Frasier 

 

Dear Bisket,

You are such a hero to us. Mrs. Jones reads us your blog every day between recess and math class. It makes us happy. One day, we made puppets of you out of old socks and buttons. Then we made a picture of you using black and white construction paper. We are sorry to hear about your testicle (whatever that is). We hope you are feeling better! We love you!

Love,
Mrs. Jones and her Third Grade Class, Philadelphia, PA

 

Almighty Bisket,

You are very great. And the people of my village are humbled by your power and heroic act of neutering. Please give us a bountiful harvest, and many rains to moisten the parched earth. We have made a sacrifice of many sausages in your name. You are the greatest god of all!

By the power of Zeus!
Odessius III, Ancient Greece

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Sorry about that last post. I was feeling a little woozy… FROM THE DRUGS THEY GAVE ME WHEN THEY BLINDSIDED ME WITH A NEUTERING!!!!!

Seriously, I wasn’t supposed to be neutered until next week. But it all went down this past Tuesday. I go into this nice little office and meet a sweet little old man vet… then before I know it I’m waking up in a cage with no testicles. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

So I got on the phone and called my lawyer, who reminded me that I don’t have a lawyer. So I just sat there feeling sorry for myself in that little, lonely, steel cage. I was a sad pup. A sad pup indeed.

But then eventually the alphas came and busted me right out of there! Oh was I happy to see their little faces. However, I got specific instructions to calm myself down because I need healing rest. Well, doc, you’ve got a lot of nerve telling me to calm down after what happened to me. You can’t cramp my style twice in one day (if you know what I mean!). After all, I was born to run, jump, lick, and do the robot dance. But eventually I agreed to just chill out.

Yeah, that lasted about 2 seconds…

 

Now that's my idea of healing!

Now that's my idea of healing!

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I just went for an AWESOME walk! I would say it was “pawsome”  (as some of my loyal readers like to say) but it wasn’t pawsome because my paws are freaking COLD!!

Anyways, it’s great to get out and get my mind off this neutering business. I’ve got my check-in appointment with the new vet on Tuesday, and I’m a little bit nervous that he’s going to pull out a Slap Chop or something. Yikes!!

 

 

Besides that, nothing really new here. Oh, wait! I got a new food! The last one had something in it that made me fart a lot. Seriously, I could clear out Carnegie Hall with a few little SBD’s. But now I’ve got this new Canidae food with Salmon in it, and I eat the bejeebles out of it every time they stick it in front of my face. Dee-lish!

Ok, now I’m pretty sure that’s all the news… wait… maybe not… ok, yes it is. I hope you’re having a great weekend and wish me luck at my vet appointment. If my vet’s name is Vince and he’s wearing a headset microphone… then whoa boy I’m screwed!

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Here’s a rap I wrote about my upcoming neutering (Set to the beat of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song):

 

Now this is a story all about how
My little ball’s comin’ off without a sound.

It’ll only take a minute don’t make  fuss
And I’ll tell you why I’ll be a dog with no nuts.

In South Minneapolis livin’ it large
Peeing outside cuz the alpha’s in charge

Chillin’ on the bed and relaxin’ all cool
Obeyin’ all the rules from puppy pre-school

Then before you know it, my leg’s in the air
I’m peein’ on the blanket without a care

Pee on one piece of furniture and the alphas call
Said “We’re goin’ to the vet and cuttin’ off your ball!”

I tried to fight it, I already lost one
And isn’t one little testicle better than none?

Said I’m not gonna worry about it, not gonna care
But my leg kept poppin’ up in the air

I peed on a chair, a coat, and a hat
Makin’ sure you all know it’s mine, this and that

But that plan didn’t work, it’s a total flop
And now I’m goin’ to town, and gettin’ the chop.

Word.


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As you read in my last post, I got some sad news yesterday. One of my very dear friends is to be executed on February 10th – that’s right, I said EXECUTED. For it is on this day that my last remaining testicle shall be removed unceremoniously from my body. (The other one came out when I had a hernia as a tiny pup. Hopefully that’ll mean a 1/2 price neutering!)

Phew – it’s hard to even talk about this kinda thing. After all, my ball and I have been together pretty much my whole life! We went everywhere together: to the park, snooping around the oven for crumbs, to the potty, shopping, playing cards. We’d lay out in the summer sun and share our dreams: I with my dream of owning a butcher shop; he with his dream of going to Maui and just “hanging out.”

It’s safe to say that I love that little guy, and I’ll miss him dearly.

Here’s to you, Mr. Nut:

 

The good ol' days. Me and my testicle.

The good ol' days. Me and my testicle.

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