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Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

My female alpha male’s brother-in-law is coming to town this weekend and he’s allergic to dogs. I know – that’s like the worst pox anyone could be cursed with in this world. It’s even worse than an ingrown toenail, or a presidential address right in the middle of the season finale of Scrubs!

Well there’s something about Jason’s feet that I can’t get enough of. If he’s sitting there, I get this weird urge to walk up to him and roll around all over his metatarsals. I don’t know what it is! But I just can’t get enough! I love it!

Then after a few rolls, I get told to get off Jason’s feet. It’s like something you really want but know you’ll never have. A shame, really: Me and those feet could have some fun together!

 

Possessed by feet!

Possessed by feet!

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Now let me make one thing very clear: there is only ONE Bisket. My little Boston Terrier puppy love is enough to circle the world twice, but I ain’t Ol’ St. Nick – I can’t be everywhere at once! That’s why the world needs some other Boston Terriers to spread the lovin’. And until yesterday, I didn’t even know they existed.

I got into my best harness, checked it twice in the mirror and hopped into the car. I had no idea where we were going, but I could sense it was somewhere that had some dogs. And where there’s dogs, there’s usually beef-flavored treats – and you know how I feel about beef-flavored treats. Yup, about the same way I feel about chicken-flavored treats. Or lamb-flavored treats. Ok, the same way I feel about treats – period!

So eventually we got to a pleasant house on a pleasant street and went around back. It looked like any other house; smelled like any other house. So what was the big deal?????

BOSTONS! 

All over the place! So many me-looking dogs that I had to nip myself in the butt to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I couldn’t believe it. Big Bostons, little Bostons, Bostons with round heads, Bostons with droopy ears, Bostons with tails, Bostons with Southern accents, Bostons with attitude, Bostons with black fingernails, and brown Bostons!

And then the fun started…

 

Lookit all them Bostons!!!!! There's more awesomeness in that pool than in the entire Western seaboard.

Lookit all them Bostons!!!!!

 

I'd never been in a pool that deep before. But once I got in, I couldn't get enough! And I didn't even need goggles.

I'd never been in a pool that deep before. But once I got in, I couldn't get enough! And I didn't even need goggles.

Soon, a foxy little dame called Ruby showed up. And the guys couldn't get enough...

Soon, a foxy little dame called Ruby showed up. And the guys couldn't get enough...

 

I kept my nose to myself and played it cool with Ruby. Struck up a little conversation about how nice her nails looked; does she use a Pedi Paw?? And then...

I kept my nose to myself and played it cool with Ruby. Struck up a little conversation about how nice her nails looked; does she use a Pedi Paw?? And then...

 

We played around!

We played around! I guess being the American Gentleman helps when you're picking up ladies!

 

That big guy is Bowser. It was his yard. I didn't see Mario or Princess Toadstool anywhere, which made me a little suspicious... but he was a great host!

That big guy is Bowser. It was his yard. He looks tough, but he was a great host and a helluva Mario Kart player!

 

Kirby telling me a joke. It was "What's black and white and good? Give up? Bacon that I want to eat!!!!!!" I didn't get it either, but it sounded delicious.

Kirby telling me a joke. It was "What's black and white and good? Give up? Bacon that I want to eat!!!!!!" I didn't get it either, but it sounded delicious.

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Today I went to puppy playtime and the alphas forgot the camera… AGAIN! Is this some vicious pox on their memory-capturing abilities? Are they destined to forget the camera forever????

My guess is yes.

Anyways, playtime was freakin’ awesome! I went nuts at the beginning, chasing all these crazy little chihuahuas. I was going to yell “Yo quiero Chihuahua!” but hell, that jokes been beat to death. I played with a crabby old schnauzer – those things always remind me of the detective dogs in disney movies. You know, the ones with the old man voice, smoking a pipe, and working for Scotland Yard. Haha I love those guys! Then a kid called me funny looking, and I said “Listen, kid – at least I’m not wearing Crocs.” Kids are meant to be seen, not wearing 50 year old gardening lady shoes, if you know what I’m sayin’!

Now, let me tell you: this puppy playtime was even more crazy than I could ever explain. Dogs were chasing each other all over the joint, about 8 dogs took craps right on the floor, and a giant fence dividing the chill dogs from the crazy dogs fell over! Can you guess what side I was on?

I cannot wait until the next one!

And now I’m going to leave a giant white space where the pictures should have been. Alphas… can’t live with ’em, probably could live without ’em. (Just kidding =)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bye!

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Don't let my calm demeanor fool you - I'm deadlier than a diet of Ol' Roy dog food.

Don't let my calm demeanor fool you - I'm deadlier than a diet of Ol' Roy dog food.

What do you get when you cross me with a ninja? That’s right… a me-ninja. And that’s exactly what I have become.

 

Remember how the alphas built me the Gauntlet a few weeks back? We’ll I’ve been running that thing for quite some time now, honing my agility and strengthening my legs. (And since I’ve been watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Return of the Ooze lately, I’ve also mastered the nunchucks, and memorized Vanilla Ice’s Ninja Rap for motivation.) The point is, I’m quicker, stronger, and far more lethal than the average puppy. If you mess with me, I’ll either snap your neck like a twig or chew on your shoes until they come untied. I haven’t decided which.

My first order of business as a ninja was to escape the prison of my kennel and the surrounding gate. So when the alphas left the other day, I deftly lept atop my kennel, hopped over the gate and onto the couch. FREEDOM! Then I watched Maury all day with a bag of kibble until the alphas got back and witnessed my new cunning abilities. They also noticed that I didn’t burn down the place… and that’s a good thing!

My escape has had some far-reaching results. Best of all, I now get full-reign of the family room during the day. You guessed it – that means I get the couch, the bed by the heater, and most importantly… the tv remotes! Now that’s something a dog could get used to. And believe you me – I’m getting used to it.

Now if I could only figure out this DVD player… I’ve got some Milo and Otis that needs watching.

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Sunday was an awesome day for one reason: small dog playtime.

Now don’t let the “small dog” title fool you – because us small dogs are a force to be reckoned with. Had all 20 of us “little” pooches sat down and come up with a plan to overthrow the alphas, we could’ve easily overtaken them, stolen their cars, and hit every pet store in town. But instead we chased each other around like crazy Old Yellers.

And it was a blast!

I met a puppy Weimaraner who chased me all over the joint with clumsy paws and big ol’ floppy ears. I saw a dog that looked like a tiny bear. And I saw a pint-size chihuahua who kept saying, “Yo quiero Taco Bell.” And I said, “Good, order me 6 cheesy double beef burritos.”

I had been running around for almost an hour when I saw her – a tiny wiener dog that was just my kind of girl. And boy was she fiesty! She had a little tennis ball and I kept bugging her until she put it down and chased me around the room barking. Then I’d sneak up and pester her again. I think she likes me. After all, the female alpha male always chases the male alpha male around yelling when he bugs her, and they like each other. Except she usually has a knife… Hmmmmmmmm. (Just kidding, it’s usually something much less violent, like a frying pan or dictionary)

Anyways, “small dog” playtime was awesome and I can’t wait until next week to go again! I promise I’ll take some pictures next time so you can see for yourself.

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Plaxico discusses whose thigh he will accidentally shoot next.

Plaxico discusses whose thigh he will accidentally shoot next.

Plaxico Burress is an idiot. The guy shot himself in the leg! If a famous dog like myself did that, it would not be such a big story because 1) I’ve got three legs to spare, and 2) I’d never wear SWEATPANTS to a club!!!!! (unless they had one of those “butt-flap” buttony things on the back).

Listen up, Plaxico: Tough dogs don’t accidentally bite their own lip. Turns out, you’re nothing but a little Bichon with a bark that runs on 4 AA batteries (No offense, Frosty!). Put that in your gun and accidentally shoot it into your thigh.

NOTE: If you’re the New York Giants and need a new wide receiver, please call my people. I’m totally in… so long as you switch from footballs to a sockfulla kibble.

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Fetch and Run

Fetch is a pretty basic game: They throw it. I get it. (Cats, you wouldn’t understand… AT ALL! So stop reading here.)

Now don’t get me wrong – I LOVE a good game of fetch. Nothing gets my heart pumpin’ like fetching a tiny rubber shoe hurtling down a hallway. But let me tell you the secret to a really fun game of fetch: messing with people. (I said STOP READING, CATS!!)

Here’s what I do:

  1. I fetch said rubber shoe/raggedy bear/ropey thing-a-magig and bring it back.
  2. I put it on the ground and act like I don’t care about it.
  3. When the person tries to grab it, I bust in and snatch it away ninja-dog style!
  4. Repeat steps 2-4.

Hahahaha it’s awesome. Seriously! And you’ve got to be pretty quick to grab something from a dog like me. You remember why. (You also remember that you shouldn’t have remembered that, because now I’ll have to kill you chew your slippers)

Well yesterday, in the midst of a little fetchtrickery, things went a bit wrong. Paul (my male alpha male) went to grab a toy from my mouth and accidentally popped me in the eyeball. THE EYEBALL! Normally, I would’ve had to sink my teeth into his right hand, but it is the one that feeds me. (All I can say is he better be glad it wasn’t the left one that messed up!)

So yeah, I’ve got a little red spot on my eye today. Nothing major, but it doesn’t help my modeling career.

Will I still play fetch the same way? Why don’t you throw that crazy rubber baby octopus for me and find out???!!!

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