Took a roadie up North last weekend, and has anyone ever tried sleeping in a 2001 Ford Taurus (raise your paws)? They are not made for dogs, let me tell you that. First of all, the only way to get from front to back is to leap of a chasm of doom filled with granola bar wrappers, windshield washing fluid, and bank pens. And I DON’T like standing in garbage, ok?? Second of all, every time I try and get comfy on the seat, I get this crazy urge to try and dig up the fabric. Why? Who knows! It just happens. Why do people grow mustaches? Exactly.
So anyways, I found the perfect position for travel. And as an extra bonus, it’s right by the defrosters! Check it:
Yes, me. A very bad dog. Badder than Leroy Brown (you know, the chocolate lab).
We were out playing at the park and I made a dash across the street so that I could smell a pine tree. We went home right after that. I dunno why I wanted to smell that tree. I dunno why I want to smell anything! Because it’s there, I s’pose.
Anyways, I’m grounded and getting the stink eye from the alphas. I’d knit them a pair of mittens as an apology, but 1) it’s almost summer and 2) these paws aren’t much for knittin’. So instead I’ll mope around and chew on some toys, and at the perfect opportunity, I’ll jump up and lick ’em both right in the face.
At parties, I’ve been known to do some killer imdoginations (sort of like “impersonations” but for dogs). I’m the hit of the party! People go nuts! One guy’s drink came out through his nose. Another guy didn’t go nuts, but did go out for nuts since we had run out.
I love making people laugh at parties, but all the attention makes it hard to steal a taste of the bacon dip. Anyways, here’s some imdoginations that I’ve been practicing… at the end you can vote for your favorite!
First, Winston Churchill. I haven’t quite mastered the accent yet…
Gene Simmons from KISS…
Next, Dame Judi Dench as Queen Elizabeth from Shakespeare in Love:
And finally, the movie “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”:
Ok pooches and poochettes, here’s the deal… I know I haven’t been the best at keeping up the blog lately. Like I said, I’ve been grounded for putting my little shnoz toe-deep in a skimmer and chewing. (So sue me!) But thousands of you have emailed/called/texted/carrier-pigeoned/burning-bacon-grease-signaled (that’s the best kind!), telling me to get off my tailless ass and snap to it.
And it got me thinking – I need to be better about staying in touch with my fans. So I’m starting a twitter feed. I know, I know – tweets are for birds, not dogs. But since barker.com is not up yet, I’ll have to settle for twitter. All I can say is that I never would have agreed to do it if it was called squirreler.com. Because I HATE squirrels. (I always feel like that fat one is watching me in the backyard and it creeps me out.)
Anyways, for those of you who don’t know what Twitter is – it is a website that lets me update you on what I’m doing all day long. If I’m chewing a bone, I’ll tell you about it. If I’m plunging my face into kibble, that’s what I’ll say. If I’m tearing up a nice, soft, supple pair of Ferragamo loafers, I’ll write “sleeping.”
Thanks to my love of stanky stuff, I'm on the wrong side of the computer!
Yes I know – It’s been a while. But I have an excuse: I got grounded.
I mean how many of you out there don’t want to shove their faces deep inside a smelly shoe and then eat the bejeezes out of the inner sole??????? It’s such a rush!! But some people (ahem! – alphas) don’t seem to enjoy it as much. Especially when it’s their shoe…
So I’ve been grounded from the computer for a while. When I come back, I have a surprise for you though – and it doesn’t smell like feet. At least not human feet.
Today I went to puppy playtime and the alphas forgot the camera… AGAIN! Is this some vicious pox on their memory-capturing abilities? Are they destined to forget the camera forever????
My guess is yes.
Anyways, playtime was freakin’ awesome! I went nuts at the beginning, chasing all these crazy little chihuahuas. I was going to yell “Yo quiero Chihuahua!” but hell, that jokes been beat to death. I played with a crabby old schnauzer – those things always remind me of the detective dogs in disney movies. You know, the ones with the old man voice, smoking a pipe, and working for Scotland Yard. Haha I love those guys! Then a kid called me funny looking, and I said “Listen, kid – at least I’m not wearing Crocs.” Kids are meant to be seen, not wearing 50 year old gardening lady shoes, if you know what I’m sayin’!
Now, let me tell you: this puppy playtime was even more crazy than I could ever explain. Dogs were chasing each other all over the joint, about 8 dogs took craps right on the floor, and a giant fence dividing the chill dogs from the crazy dogs fell over! Can you guess what side I was on?
I cannot wait until the next one!
And now I’m going to leave a giant white space where the pictures should have been. Alphas… can’t live with ’em, probably could live without ’em. (Just kidding =)