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Archive for January, 2009

Here’s a rap I wrote about my upcoming neutering (Set to the beat of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song):

 

Now this is a story all about how
My little ball’s comin’ off without a sound.

It’ll only take a minute don’t make  fuss
And I’ll tell you why I’ll be a dog with no nuts.

In South Minneapolis livin’ it large
Peeing outside cuz the alpha’s in charge

Chillin’ on the bed and relaxin’ all cool
Obeyin’ all the rules from puppy pre-school

Then before you know it, my leg’s in the air
I’m peein’ on the blanket without a care

Pee on one piece of furniture and the alphas call
Said “We’re goin’ to the vet and cuttin’ off your ball!”

I tried to fight it, I already lost one
And isn’t one little testicle better than none?

Said I’m not gonna worry about it, not gonna care
But my leg kept poppin’ up in the air

I peed on a chair, a coat, and a hat
Makin’ sure you all know it’s mine, this and that

But that plan didn’t work, it’s a total flop
And now I’m goin’ to town, and gettin’ the chop.

Word.


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If my paws were made of salami, would I eat them??

Without a doubt. For sure. Absolutely.

You’re asking: “You would eat your own paws?!?! What kind of animal are you?!!” And I answer: “Yes.” and “A dog. Duh.”

Let me put it this way – when you’re a pooch, you’ve got to get anything you can. Sure, there’s the food you give us in our cute little bowls, but that’s only 50%! The rest of it we hunt down. English muffin crumbs on the kitchen floor – we’re on it. Cheese wrapper that missed the garbage – we’re licking it. Splotch of spaghetti sauce on your face – we’re gettin’ to it! Get it? We’re in competition with Father time, the vacuum cleaner, paper towels, and ants. If we don’t get to that food, someone else will!

So yes, if my paws were made of salami (and preferably a nice Sopressata with just the right dash of hot peppers and seasonings) I would devour them. Because a dog has an obligation – nay, a God-given right! – to whatever food he or she can get their little paws on (even if that food happens to be their actual paws, but that’s just details). And to be quite frank… no one – let me repeat – NO ONE is going to eat my salami paws but me!

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As you read in my last post, I got some sad news yesterday. One of my very dear friends is to be executed on February 10th – that’s right, I said EXECUTED. For it is on this day that my last remaining testicle shall be removed unceremoniously from my body. (The other one came out when I had a hernia as a tiny pup. Hopefully that’ll mean a 1/2 price neutering!)

Phew – it’s hard to even talk about this kinda thing. After all, my ball and I have been together pretty much my whole life! We went everywhere together: to the park, snooping around the oven for crumbs, to the potty, shopping, playing cards. We’d lay out in the summer sun and share our dreams: I with my dream of owning a butcher shop; he with his dream of going to Maui and just “hanging out.”

It’s safe to say that I love that little guy, and I’ll miss him dearly.

Here’s to you, Mr. Nut:

 

The good ol' days. Me and my testicle.

The good ol' days. Me and my testicle.

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I’ve just received some disconcerting news: I will soon be separated from an old friend. Details soon…

 

I'm depressed...

I'm depressed...

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titlephoto

 

Bisket

Written by: Bisket

 

I love movies! By my count, I’ve watched over 1,145 movies in the 7 months of my life. Of course that’s counting the 1,144 times I’ve watched Turner and Hooch and the one time I watched the Estelle Getty/Sylvester Stallone masterpiece Stop! Or my mom will shoot (hey, it was on TNT). Anyways, that pretty much makes me an expert on movies.

As you know, the Oscar nominations came out today – and since everyone else in the house is excited about it, this pooch is too. Here’s how the Oscars work:

  1. All year long, movies and actors try to impress this bald guy named Oscar.
  2. If Oscar likes them, he picks them as one of the best. If not, they are deposited directly to that little bin at the video store that says “2 for $20!”
  3. If your movie is picked as THE BEST in each category, you get a gold statue that can be unwrapped and eaten as a delicious chocolate treat. (For dog movies, it is made of ground beef).

So anyways, here are a few Oscar nominations and my picks for the large chocolate statue:

 

More movies about rich dogs please!

More movies about rich dogs please!

BEST PICTURE:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire 

My pick: Let’s see… I don’t like buttons because I don’t have thumbs, so Benjamin Button is out. I HATE the cold, so Frost is out. Milk is for cats, so forget that one. I do like to read, but Slumdog Millionaire is obviously about a rags-to-riches dog that hits it big and I LOVE that! So my pick for best picture is Slumdog Millionaire.

 

 

honorary dog.

Mickey Rourke. He loves his dog. He sorta looks like a dog. I hereby name him an honorary dog!

BEST ACTOR:

Richard Jenkins – The Visitor
Frank Langella – Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn – Milk
Brad Pitt – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke – The Wrestler

My pick: Well, if Richard Jenkins came to visit, I’m sure I would lick his face. Then again, I’d lick anyone’s face, so that one’s out. You know my opinion on frost and milk and buttons, so they’re out. I was watching the Golden Globes when Mickey Rourke won best actor, and he thanked his dogs. “Sometimes when a man’s alone, the only thing he has is his dog.”  Damn right. My pick for best actor is Mickey Rourke.

 

 

 

Kate Winslet enjoys reading my blog. Naked!

Kate Winslet enjoys reading my blog. Naked!

BEST ACTRESS:

Anne Hathaway – Rachel Getting Married
Angelina Jolie – Changeling
Melissa Leo – Frozen River
Meryl Streep – Doubt
Kate Winslet – The Reader

My pick: Well I wasn’t invited to Rachel’s wedding, so why should I vote for it. What a bitch. I have no idea what a “changeling” is, and I think Angelina Jolie should adopt more pets and leave the kid adopting to Madonna. Why all these movies about cold stuff?? I would vote for it if it was called “Hot Tub River”, but I am SICK of the cold! Since I love YOU, the loyal readers of my blog, I will cast my vote in your honor for Kate Winslet in The Reader. By the way, how many jokes will there be on Oscar night about both Kate and Leo being nominated in the same category? Booooooooo.

 

 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

Amy Adams – Doubt
Penelope Cruz – Vicki Christina Barcelona
Viola Davis – Doubt
Taraji P Hensen – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Marisa Tomei – The Wrestler

My pick:  I like an actress with confidence – and acting in a movie called Doubt doesn’t seem very confident to me, so those two are out. And I HATE BUTTONS. I mean c’mon, I know I don’t have thumbs, so stop rubbing it in! I think I’ll have to go with Marisa Tomei just because of my love of wrestling. With other dogs. Over rubber toys. Which I’m pretty sure this movie is all about.

 

 

Awesomeness that makes you send me delicious cuts of beef.

The kind of awesomeness that makes you send me delicious cuts of beef.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

Josh Brolin – Milk
Robert Downey Jr – Tropic Thunder
Philip Seymour Hoffman – Doubt
Heath Ledger – The Dark Knight
Michael Shannon – Revolutionary Road

My pick: Again, cats drink milk. I can’t stand cats. Therefore, I can’t stand milk. Thunderstorms make me go bezerko, although I do like tropic…. AHHHH! HELP!!!! Heath Ledger’s awesomeness has taken control of my paws and is making me type that my pick for best supporting actor is Heath Ledger! And now his awesomeness is making me type that you should send large cuts of beef to Bisket at the following address: 551… Ok ok, phew! I’m back and in control. Wow, and we all know that when Heath Ledger awesomeness speaks, you should listen. So, you know, get on that beef, ok? For Heath.

 

Bisket is a boston terrier from Minneapolis, MN. You can read all his writings at this blog: http://www.lifewithpaws.wordpress.com. He loves jerky and licking your face.

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Tofu stir-fry.

"While we're on the subject of meat... if I bite a vegan, would they taste like tofu?"

 

 

Cheese sticks?

"Zzzzzzzzzz... Cheese sticks?!"

 

 

Creme Brule.

"Why am I thinking about creme brule? I'm a dog, not that rat from Ratatouille!"

 

 

Thinly sliced ham.

"Ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, big luscious thick heavenly slices of ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, ham..."

 

 

Bratwurst.

"This is such a waste of food."

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Sunday was an awesome day for one reason: small dog playtime.

Now don’t let the “small dog” title fool you – because us small dogs are a force to be reckoned with. Had all 20 of us “little” pooches sat down and come up with a plan to overthrow the alphas, we could’ve easily overtaken them, stolen their cars, and hit every pet store in town. But instead we chased each other around like crazy Old Yellers.

And it was a blast!

I met a puppy Weimaraner who chased me all over the joint with clumsy paws and big ol’ floppy ears. I saw a dog that looked like a tiny bear. And I saw a pint-size chihuahua who kept saying, “Yo quiero Taco Bell.” And I said, “Good, order me 6 cheesy double beef burritos.”

I had been running around for almost an hour when I saw her – a tiny wiener dog that was just my kind of girl. And boy was she fiesty! She had a little tennis ball and I kept bugging her until she put it down and chased me around the room barking. Then I’d sneak up and pester her again. I think she likes me. After all, the female alpha male always chases the male alpha male around yelling when he bugs her, and they like each other. Except she usually has a knife… Hmmmmmmmm. (Just kidding, it’s usually something much less violent, like a frying pan or dictionary)

Anyways, “small dog” playtime was awesome and I can’t wait until next week to go again! I promise I’ll take some pictures next time so you can see for yourself.

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