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Archive for the ‘Toys’ Category

Hair toy

Every time I see Conan O’Brien, I think to myself, “God, I want to chew on that hair!”

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Today marks the 21st people birthday and 147th doggie birthday of this dog. Oh my flippin’ Great Dane in heaven, that is an old dog!! I can’t even imagine being that old. But once I am (and mark my words, I WILL BE), and my little Bisket parts don’t work as well as they used to, I’m gonna make sure I have one of those little Barbie cars to drive myself around the house (see exhibit A).

Regardless, salud and big woofs to you, old doggie!

 

EXHIBIT A: This is me in like 20 years.

EXHIBIT A: This is me in like 20 years.

 

 

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Sorry about that last post. I was feeling a little woozy… FROM THE DRUGS THEY GAVE ME WHEN THEY BLINDSIDED ME WITH A NEUTERING!!!!!

Seriously, I wasn’t supposed to be neutered until next week. But it all went down this past Tuesday. I go into this nice little office and meet a sweet little old man vet… then before I know it I’m waking up in a cage with no testicles. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

So I got on the phone and called my lawyer, who reminded me that I don’t have a lawyer. So I just sat there feeling sorry for myself in that little, lonely, steel cage. I was a sad pup. A sad pup indeed.

But then eventually the alphas came and busted me right out of there! Oh was I happy to see their little faces. However, I got specific instructions to calm myself down because I need healing rest. Well, doc, you’ve got a lot of nerve telling me to calm down after what happened to me. You can’t cramp my style twice in one day (if you know what I mean!). After all, I was born to run, jump, lick, and do the robot dance. But eventually I agreed to just chill out.

Yeah, that lasted about 2 seconds…

 

Now that's my idea of healing!

Now that's my idea of healing!

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titlephoto

 

Bisket

Written by: Bisket

 

I love movies! By my count, I’ve watched over 1,145 movies in the 7 months of my life. Of course that’s counting the 1,144 times I’ve watched Turner and Hooch and the one time I watched the Estelle Getty/Sylvester Stallone masterpiece Stop! Or my mom will shoot (hey, it was on TNT). Anyways, that pretty much makes me an expert on movies.

As you know, the Oscar nominations came out today – and since everyone else in the house is excited about it, this pooch is too. Here’s how the Oscars work:

  1. All year long, movies and actors try to impress this bald guy named Oscar.
  2. If Oscar likes them, he picks them as one of the best. If not, they are deposited directly to that little bin at the video store that says “2 for $20!”
  3. If your movie is picked as THE BEST in each category, you get a gold statue that can be unwrapped and eaten as a delicious chocolate treat. (For dog movies, it is made of ground beef).

So anyways, here are a few Oscar nominations and my picks for the large chocolate statue:

 

More movies about rich dogs please!

More movies about rich dogs please!

BEST PICTURE:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire 

My pick: Let’s see… I don’t like buttons because I don’t have thumbs, so Benjamin Button is out. I HATE the cold, so Frost is out. Milk is for cats, so forget that one. I do like to read, but Slumdog Millionaire is obviously about a rags-to-riches dog that hits it big and I LOVE that! So my pick for best picture is Slumdog Millionaire.

 

 

honorary dog.

Mickey Rourke. He loves his dog. He sorta looks like a dog. I hereby name him an honorary dog!

BEST ACTOR:

Richard Jenkins – The Visitor
Frank Langella – Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn – Milk
Brad Pitt – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke – The Wrestler

My pick: Well, if Richard Jenkins came to visit, I’m sure I would lick his face. Then again, I’d lick anyone’s face, so that one’s out. You know my opinion on frost and milk and buttons, so they’re out. I was watching the Golden Globes when Mickey Rourke won best actor, and he thanked his dogs. “Sometimes when a man’s alone, the only thing he has is his dog.”  Damn right. My pick for best actor is Mickey Rourke.

 

 

 

Kate Winslet enjoys reading my blog. Naked!

Kate Winslet enjoys reading my blog. Naked!

BEST ACTRESS:

Anne Hathaway – Rachel Getting Married
Angelina Jolie – Changeling
Melissa Leo – Frozen River
Meryl Streep – Doubt
Kate Winslet – The Reader

My pick: Well I wasn’t invited to Rachel’s wedding, so why should I vote for it. What a bitch. I have no idea what a “changeling” is, and I think Angelina Jolie should adopt more pets and leave the kid adopting to Madonna. Why all these movies about cold stuff?? I would vote for it if it was called “Hot Tub River”, but I am SICK of the cold! Since I love YOU, the loyal readers of my blog, I will cast my vote in your honor for Kate Winslet in The Reader. By the way, how many jokes will there be on Oscar night about both Kate and Leo being nominated in the same category? Booooooooo.

 

 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

Amy Adams – Doubt
Penelope Cruz – Vicki Christina Barcelona
Viola Davis – Doubt
Taraji P Hensen – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Marisa Tomei – The Wrestler

My pick:  I like an actress with confidence – and acting in a movie called Doubt doesn’t seem very confident to me, so those two are out. And I HATE BUTTONS. I mean c’mon, I know I don’t have thumbs, so stop rubbing it in! I think I’ll have to go with Marisa Tomei just because of my love of wrestling. With other dogs. Over rubber toys. Which I’m pretty sure this movie is all about.

 

 

Awesomeness that makes you send me delicious cuts of beef.

The kind of awesomeness that makes you send me delicious cuts of beef.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

Josh Brolin – Milk
Robert Downey Jr – Tropic Thunder
Philip Seymour Hoffman – Doubt
Heath Ledger – The Dark Knight
Michael Shannon – Revolutionary Road

My pick: Again, cats drink milk. I can’t stand cats. Therefore, I can’t stand milk. Thunderstorms make me go bezerko, although I do like tropic…. AHHHH! HELP!!!! Heath Ledger’s awesomeness has taken control of my paws and is making me type that my pick for best supporting actor is Heath Ledger! And now his awesomeness is making me type that you should send large cuts of beef to Bisket at the following address: 551… Ok ok, phew! I’m back and in control. Wow, and we all know that when Heath Ledger awesomeness speaks, you should listen. So, you know, get on that beef, ok? For Heath.

 

Bisket is a boston terrier from Minneapolis, MN. You can read all his writings at this blog: http://www.lifewithpaws.wordpress.com. He loves jerky and licking your face.

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Tofu stir-fry.

"While we're on the subject of meat... if I bite a vegan, would they taste like tofu?"

 

 

Cheese sticks?

"Zzzzzzzzzz... Cheese sticks?!"

 

 

Creme Brule.

"Why am I thinking about creme brule? I'm a dog, not that rat from Ratatouille!"

 

 

Thinly sliced ham.

"Ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, big luscious thick heavenly slices of ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, ham..."

 

 

Bratwurst.

"This is such a waste of food."

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Back!

photo-80RAR! And greetings, loyal readers! (People, pets, and young children who should be sleeping right now but instead have stashed deceiving pillows under their blankets and snuck out of bed for a late-night read of this spectacular blog)

As you’ve probably noticed, I’ve been laying low the past few days – all while doing NO LOW-LAYING WHATSOEVER! See, I’ve been pretty busy: you know, searching for sausages, scattering toys, and other general rabble-rousings.

I did get in quite a bit of trouble the other day. See if you can guess why… No, I did NOT poop in the bathtub – that is a terrible guess, and I’m offended you would even think I’d do such a thing!!!!

Ok, yes, I pooped in the bathtub. I am ashamed. =(

As you may already know, I have been obsessed with the bathtub lately. I can’t get enough of it. The other day, as I was taking my daily stroll around the tub, I got the urge and thought, “Well, so long as I’m here…”

img_6979As soon as it happened, I felt terrible about it. Especially when the alpha male female went bezerk about how she had just cleaned the bathroom. I looked at her with eyes that said, “I’m sooooo sorry. But in my defense, I’m halfway to the toilet.” 

 

Am I Right?????? Somebody back me up here! (That means you, Joe Stains!)

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The KOOSH and I broke up. It didn’t want a commitment, and I thought it was stupid to be in love with a ball made of rubber filaments attached to a soft core that was last popular in 1988.

Plus, why chew on rubber when you can chew on…

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