Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Meat’ Category

Now let me make one thing very clear: there is only ONE Bisket. My little Boston Terrier puppy love is enough to circle the world twice, but I ain’t Ol’ St. Nick – I can’t be everywhere at once! That’s why the world needs some other Boston Terriers to spread the lovin’. And until yesterday, I didn’t even know they existed.

I got into my best harness, checked it twice in the mirror and hopped into the car. I had no idea where we were going, but I could sense it was somewhere that had some dogs. And where there’s dogs, there’s usually beef-flavored treats – and you know how I feel about beef-flavored treats. Yup, about the same way I feel about chicken-flavored treats. Or lamb-flavored treats. Ok, the same way I feel about treats – period!

So eventually we got to a pleasant house on a pleasant street and went around back. It looked like any other house; smelled like any other house. So what was the big deal?????

BOSTONS! 

All over the place! So many me-looking dogs that I had to nip myself in the butt to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I couldn’t believe it. Big Bostons, little Bostons, Bostons with round heads, Bostons with droopy ears, Bostons with tails, Bostons with Southern accents, Bostons with attitude, Bostons with black fingernails, and brown Bostons!

And then the fun started…

 

Lookit all them Bostons!!!!! There's more awesomeness in that pool than in the entire Western seaboard.

Lookit all them Bostons!!!!!

 

I'd never been in a pool that deep before. But once I got in, I couldn't get enough! And I didn't even need goggles.

I'd never been in a pool that deep before. But once I got in, I couldn't get enough! And I didn't even need goggles.

Soon, a foxy little dame called Ruby showed up. And the guys couldn't get enough...

Soon, a foxy little dame called Ruby showed up. And the guys couldn't get enough...

 

I kept my nose to myself and played it cool with Ruby. Struck up a little conversation about how nice her nails looked; does she use a Pedi Paw?? And then...

I kept my nose to myself and played it cool with Ruby. Struck up a little conversation about how nice her nails looked; does she use a Pedi Paw?? And then...

 

We played around!

We played around! I guess being the American Gentleman helps when you're picking up ladies!

 

That big guy is Bowser. It was his yard. I didn't see Mario or Princess Toadstool anywhere, which made me a little suspicious... but he was a great host!

That big guy is Bowser. It was his yard. He looks tough, but he was a great host and a helluva Mario Kart player!

 

Kirby telling me a joke. It was "What's black and white and good? Give up? Bacon that I want to eat!!!!!!" I didn't get it either, but it sounded delicious.

Kirby telling me a joke. It was "What's black and white and good? Give up? Bacon that I want to eat!!!!!!" I didn't get it either, but it sounded delicious.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

No, not that way! This way:

bisket terminated

Forget T1, T2 and T3. I’m the TP – TERMINATOR PUPPY! Now tell me where John Connor is or I’ll rip off your arms destroy you crush your skull TERMIN-eat all your Kraft singles!

 

Puppies: click here.

Read Full Post »

 

Tweet!

Tweet!

 

Ok pooches and poochettes, here’s the deal… I know I haven’t been the best at keeping up the blog lately. Like I said, I’ve been grounded for putting my little shnoz toe-deep in a skimmer and chewing. (So sue me!) But thousands of you have emailed/called/texted/carrier-pigeoned/burning-bacon-grease-signaled (that’s the best kind!), telling me to get off my tailless ass and snap to it.

And it got me thinking – I need to be better about staying in touch with my fans. So I’m starting a twitter feed. I know, I know – tweets are for birds, not dogs. But since barker.com is not up yet, I’ll have to settle for twitter. All I can say is that I never would have agreed to do it if it was called squirreler.com. Because I HATE squirrels. (I always feel like that fat one is watching me in the backyard and it creeps me out.)

Anyways, for those of you who don’t know what Twitter is – it is a website that lets me update you on what I’m doing all day long. If I’m chewing a bone, I’ll tell you about it. If I’m plunging my face into kibble, that’s what I’ll say. If I’m tearing up a nice, soft, supple pair of Ferragamo loafers, I’ll write “sleeping.”

Click here for my Twitter page.

If you sign up for Twitter, you can choose to “follow” me, and my updates will show up on your feed automatically. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to make like a dog, and tweet.

Read Full Post »

If my paws were made of salami, would I eat them??

Without a doubt. For sure. Absolutely.

You’re asking: “You would eat your own paws?!?! What kind of animal are you?!!” And I answer: “Yes.” and “A dog. Duh.”

Let me put it this way – when you’re a pooch, you’ve got to get anything you can. Sure, there’s the food you give us in our cute little bowls, but that’s only 50%! The rest of it we hunt down. English muffin crumbs on the kitchen floor – we’re on it. Cheese wrapper that missed the garbage – we’re licking it. Splotch of spaghetti sauce on your face – we’re gettin’ to it! Get it? We’re in competition with Father time, the vacuum cleaner, paper towels, and ants. If we don’t get to that food, someone else will!

So yes, if my paws were made of salami (and preferably a nice Sopressata with just the right dash of hot peppers and seasonings) I would devour them. Because a dog has an obligation – nay, a God-given right! – to whatever food he or she can get their little paws on (even if that food happens to be their actual paws, but that’s just details). And to be quite frank… no one – let me repeat – NO ONE is going to eat my salami paws but me!

Read Full Post »

titlephoto

 

Bisket

Written by: Bisket

 

I love movies! By my count, I’ve watched over 1,145 movies in the 7 months of my life. Of course that’s counting the 1,144 times I’ve watched Turner and Hooch and the one time I watched the Estelle Getty/Sylvester Stallone masterpiece Stop! Or my mom will shoot (hey, it was on TNT). Anyways, that pretty much makes me an expert on movies.

As you know, the Oscar nominations came out today – and since everyone else in the house is excited about it, this pooch is too. Here’s how the Oscars work:

  1. All year long, movies and actors try to impress this bald guy named Oscar.
  2. If Oscar likes them, he picks them as one of the best. If not, they are deposited directly to that little bin at the video store that says “2 for $20!”
  3. If your movie is picked as THE BEST in each category, you get a gold statue that can be unwrapped and eaten as a delicious chocolate treat. (For dog movies, it is made of ground beef).

So anyways, here are a few Oscar nominations and my picks for the large chocolate statue:

 

More movies about rich dogs please!

More movies about rich dogs please!

BEST PICTURE:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire 

My pick: Let’s see… I don’t like buttons because I don’t have thumbs, so Benjamin Button is out. I HATE the cold, so Frost is out. Milk is for cats, so forget that one. I do like to read, but Slumdog Millionaire is obviously about a rags-to-riches dog that hits it big and I LOVE that! So my pick for best picture is Slumdog Millionaire.

 

 

honorary dog.

Mickey Rourke. He loves his dog. He sorta looks like a dog. I hereby name him an honorary dog!

BEST ACTOR:

Richard Jenkins – The Visitor
Frank Langella – Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn – Milk
Brad Pitt – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke – The Wrestler

My pick: Well, if Richard Jenkins came to visit, I’m sure I would lick his face. Then again, I’d lick anyone’s face, so that one’s out. You know my opinion on frost and milk and buttons, so they’re out. I was watching the Golden Globes when Mickey Rourke won best actor, and he thanked his dogs. “Sometimes when a man’s alone, the only thing he has is his dog.”  Damn right. My pick for best actor is Mickey Rourke.

 

 

 

Kate Winslet enjoys reading my blog. Naked!

Kate Winslet enjoys reading my blog. Naked!

BEST ACTRESS:

Anne Hathaway – Rachel Getting Married
Angelina Jolie – Changeling
Melissa Leo – Frozen River
Meryl Streep – Doubt
Kate Winslet – The Reader

My pick: Well I wasn’t invited to Rachel’s wedding, so why should I vote for it. What a bitch. I have no idea what a “changeling” is, and I think Angelina Jolie should adopt more pets and leave the kid adopting to Madonna. Why all these movies about cold stuff?? I would vote for it if it was called “Hot Tub River”, but I am SICK of the cold! Since I love YOU, the loyal readers of my blog, I will cast my vote in your honor for Kate Winslet in The Reader. By the way, how many jokes will there be on Oscar night about both Kate and Leo being nominated in the same category? Booooooooo.

 

 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

Amy Adams – Doubt
Penelope Cruz – Vicki Christina Barcelona
Viola Davis – Doubt
Taraji P Hensen – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Marisa Tomei – The Wrestler

My pick:  I like an actress with confidence – and acting in a movie called Doubt doesn’t seem very confident to me, so those two are out. And I HATE BUTTONS. I mean c’mon, I know I don’t have thumbs, so stop rubbing it in! I think I’ll have to go with Marisa Tomei just because of my love of wrestling. With other dogs. Over rubber toys. Which I’m pretty sure this movie is all about.

 

 

Awesomeness that makes you send me delicious cuts of beef.

The kind of awesomeness that makes you send me delicious cuts of beef.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

Josh Brolin – Milk
Robert Downey Jr – Tropic Thunder
Philip Seymour Hoffman – Doubt
Heath Ledger – The Dark Knight
Michael Shannon – Revolutionary Road

My pick: Again, cats drink milk. I can’t stand cats. Therefore, I can’t stand milk. Thunderstorms make me go bezerko, although I do like tropic…. AHHHH! HELP!!!! Heath Ledger’s awesomeness has taken control of my paws and is making me type that my pick for best supporting actor is Heath Ledger! And now his awesomeness is making me type that you should send large cuts of beef to Bisket at the following address: 551… Ok ok, phew! I’m back and in control. Wow, and we all know that when Heath Ledger awesomeness speaks, you should listen. So, you know, get on that beef, ok? For Heath.

 

Bisket is a boston terrier from Minneapolis, MN. You can read all his writings at this blog: http://www.lifewithpaws.wordpress.com. He loves jerky and licking your face.

Read Full Post »

 

Tofu stir-fry.

"While we're on the subject of meat... if I bite a vegan, would they taste like tofu?"

 

 

Cheese sticks?

"Zzzzzzzzzz... Cheese sticks?!"

 

 

Creme Brule.

"Why am I thinking about creme brule? I'm a dog, not that rat from Ratatouille!"

 

 

Thinly sliced ham.

"Ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, big luscious thick heavenly slices of ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, ham..."

 

 

Bratwurst.

"This is such a waste of food."

Read Full Post »

The KOOSH and I broke up. It didn’t want a commitment, and I thought it was stupid to be in love with a ball made of rubber filaments attached to a soft core that was last popular in 1988.

Plus, why chew on rubber when you can chew on…

Read Full Post »