Let me be honest here: I couldn’t give two paw licks about Michael Vick’s well-being.
He is a sick, sick man and he does not deserve to play football and be a role model for millions of dog-loving children. He deserves, quite frankly, to pick up dog poo with his bare hands for the rest of his life. Nothing more.
Unfortunately, the NFL thinks it’s a good idea to let him play football again. Sigh.
But here’s my solution. It’s a new idea for a reality show. In the show, a family of dogs lives in an opulent mansion and Michael Vick is their butler. Sort of like Mr. Belvidere but without the awesome mustache. Vick has to do whatever they say. WHATEVER they say. If he refuses… well, eye for an eye right?
The show will last for 3 million seasons. And that still won’t be enough for Michael Vick to make up for what he did.
As you know, I love a good imdogination. In case you forgot, imdoginations are just like impersonations, but for dogs. Ok, so they’re not just like impersonations – mainly because they are WAY COOLER! Ok, so check out these starring yours truly, and at the end lemme know what you think. Enjoy!!
Mel Gibson in Signs:
A Jawa in Star Wars:
Jabba the Hutt in Star Wars:
Kate Winslet in Titanic:
If you want to see MORE IMDOGINATIONS, click here and here!!!
Why? Because I’ve been chewing up Wii cords when left alone in the front room. And why not? My other toys are made of rubber. The Wii cords have rubber. It’s the perfect texture for my little nibblers!
The alphas, as expected, don’t see it my way. Now I’m stuck in this jail kennel; this jennel.
Someone send me a dog bisket with a nail file baked in. Please?
Today I went to puppy playtime and the alphas forgot the camera… AGAIN! Is this some vicious pox on their memory-capturing abilities? Are they destined to forget the camera forever????
My guess is yes.
Anyways, playtime was freakin’ awesome! I went nuts at the beginning, chasing all these crazy little chihuahuas. I was going to yell “Yo quiero Chihuahua!” but hell, that jokes been beat to death. I played with a crabby old schnauzer – those things always remind me of the detective dogs in disney movies. You know, the ones with the old man voice, smoking a pipe, and working for Scotland Yard. Haha I love those guys! Then a kid called me funny looking, and I said “Listen, kid – at least I’m not wearing Crocs.” Kids are meant to be seen, not wearing 50 year old gardening lady shoes, if you know what I’m sayin’!
Now, let me tell you: this puppy playtime was even more crazy than I could ever explain. Dogs were chasing each other all over the joint, about 8 dogs took craps right on the floor, and a giant fence dividing the chill dogs from the crazy dogs fell over! Can you guess what side I was on?
I cannot wait until the next one!
And now I’m going to leave a giant white space where the pictures should have been. Alphas… can’t live with ’em, probably could live without ’em. (Just kidding =)
Since I’ve gotten (*gulp*) “lopped,” thousands of well-wishing letters have poured in from around the globe. I loved them all (except the mean one from the cat)!! Here are a few of my favorites:
I’m so sorry to hear about your neutering. I just wanted to wish you a speedy recovery. If you need anything (maybe some cheese??), please let me know – I’m always there for you.
Sara-Jo K., MPLS, MN
I was shocked to read about your recent neutering. I have a lot of experience with surgical procedures. Just look at my hair plugs. Do you think those felt good to put in??? No sir! Regardless, I wish you a speedy recovery, and hope you and your family have a blessed and safe 2009. Oh, and support to stimulus package. (No, that’s not some sort of sick neutering joke).
God Bless America,
Vice President Joe Biden
I know what it’s like to be neutered. It’s not fun, but it’s for the best. Sometimes you’ve just gotta take one (or two!) for the team. Just think of what this could do for your career! If I hadn’t been chopped, I would’ve never made it into the hearts of Americans across the country (Kelsey Grammar fired the dog before me because it kept peeing on his snakeskin boots).
All the best,
That dog from the hit TV show Frasier
You are such a hero to us. Mrs. Jones reads us your blog every day between recess and math class. It makes us happy. One day, we made puppets of you out of old socks and buttons. Then we made a picture of you using black and white construction paper. We are sorry to hear about your testicle (whatever that is). We hope you are feeling better! We love you!
Mrs. Jones and her Third Grade Class, Philadelphia, PA
You are very great. And the people of my village are humbled by your power and heroic act of neutering. Please give us a bountiful harvest, and many rains to moisten the parched earth. We have made a sacrifice of many sausages in your name. You are the greatest god of all!
By the power of Zeus!
Odessius III, Ancient Greece
I stink. No seriously, I do! I mean it’s not like I smell like rotten ass or anything, but I do have an odor of, I dunno, 2 week old ham(???). Regardless, let’s just say I’m not the sweetest smelling puppy in the litter.
Now, you all know how much I hate baths (the ear thing, remember?). But this time I’m willing to make an exception. I think my whites are turning yellow! Gulp.
So please, alphas, please please please, please, please lather me up. Scrub my little dogness until my coat’s shinin’ like a fresh pair of tux shoes. After all, I have a reputation to uphold!