Ok this cold is seriously a problem. And it’s messing with the only routine I got: my poop cycle. You can’t expect a dog to lay one down when his little paws are cookin’ less than Ward Cleaver. I mean, seriously – it’s frigid out here in Minnesnowta!!!!
Now I’m the kinda pooch who does his research. Did a background check on the alphas before they came to snatch me out of the litter. (Luckily, they checked out. Plus, they had just bought a new bed and I was SICK AND TIRED of sleeping in a wooden box with a sloppy puppy roommate. Yeah, you know who you are. Thanks for always leaving the bathroom A TOTAL MESS!!!) So you know that when I gotta go, I’m gonna be all business.
Normally, here’s how it goes down (no pun intended). I go outside and fully investigate the area. I’m like a four-legged Sipowicz – find a little something and say, “Hmmmm… squirrel poop. Now that’s interesting… Let’s take it down to forensics and see if it sticks.” (Which of course it would because, you know, it’s squirrel crap.)
Then, after a clean sweep, I narrow it down. What I’m looking for is someplace nice and clean. Maybe a little patch of bark nuggets, or under an evergreen. A little personality doesn’t hurt either – I’ll take a few flowers or a bird chirping if I can get it. Once I find my spot, I give it the sniff. The double sniff. The triple sniff… the quadruple sniff! Three and a half to four and a quarter turns later, I’m lettin’ it fly, and (without getting too detailed) that’s that.
Now if anything breaks my concentration, it’s over; I can’t go. And that’s what’s happening with this weather. I mean, I’m working with four pawsicles here! I can’t get comfortable. My whole routine is out the window!
I NEED HELP HERE, PEOPLE (and pets). What do I do? Socks? Boots? Scotch tape and Ziploc bags? Give me something!!!!!
NOTE: I will not accept “moving” or “stilts” as suggestions. Jerk.