I’m a dog. Duh, right? Well, I was thinking the other day (as I ruthlessly gnawed on my pet knucklebone “Knuckles”) about things I’ll probably never do in my life.
Here’s a few:
- Wear pants
- Grow a ponytail
- Pull a casserole out of the oven
- Hide something on the top shelf
- Find a 10 gallon hat that fits
- Tie a shoe (I can totally untie one though)
- Order a meat-lover’s pizza over the phone (triple double extra sausage!!!)
- Buy a DVD
- Correspond via handwritten letter with Wilford Brimley.
As you can see, there’s a lot I can’t do because I’m a dog. And if you’re a human, you should feel very fortunate that you can do these things! Doesn’t that make you feel good, humans?? It should because Wilford Brimley rules. (Ask him what it was like being in Cocoon, and get me an autographed 8X10 glossy if you can!)
Now, on the flip side of things, there are a lot of things I do that you humans will probably never do. Check ’em out:
- Drink a healthy amount of water every day
- Have a sense of smell that can pick out every last ingredient of a meal like a sniff sniper
- Be so excited that pee comes out
- Never wear pants
- Bond with an old raggedy stuffed bear
- Consistently fall asleep on or near people’s crotches
- Cry about a bone that’s under the couch
- Have the world as your toilet
- Never stop loving the people that put you in a kennel every day.
I love being a dog.