The best reason to never get your driver’s license.

Ok seriously people. Stop.

For years, dogs have gotten a bad rap about humping people’s legs. I realize this has come from years of many dogs actually humping people’s legs, but not all of us are like that. To tell you the truth, the number of legs I’ve humped is probably in single-digits. And I’m proud of that. It shows maturity and self-restraint in a dog.

Point is, people always complain about dogs not being about to control their sexual urges.

Well, judging by the amount of hits and stupid comments this blog has gotten concerning my imdogination of Kate Winslet, I find you humans’ opinion to be rather hypocritical.

Listen – nobody cares how hot you think Kate Winslet is or how much more naked you wish she was. NO ONE CARES. Seriously, I care more about the latest PBS documentary on cats. And all the other normal, self-respecting humans out there care more about, well, whatever humans don’t give a crap about – like “Dancing with the Stars” or something.

So please, stop leaving stupid perverted comments on my blog! Or I’ll come over there and hump your leg.

You know that feeling you get when you go to the dog park and you’ve chased so many sticks and made so many friends and run so many circles and sniffed so many butts that you can’t keep your eyes open?

This is what it’s like:

Playstation 3 is now only $299. Who gives a crap? Sticks are free.

Met a woman today who said she didn’t like dogs. It must be hard to be a robot.

I’m all talk. This is a blog, after all! And that means that no matter how much I trash-talk cats, I would never hurta real one. But once a fake one steps on my turf, it’s on, baby – IT’S ON!!!!

This is Mr. Mittens. Or “Monsieur Mittens” as he likes to be called. He’s got a French accent, a French attitude and a penchant for, well, just acting French! So I put him back in his place whenever he acts up. Case in point:

They're called FREEDOM FRIES, frog!

Hahaha I kid, I kid. Mittens and I are best friends – and he makes a mean mayonnaise. More adventures on the way??? Could be!

Well, it’s raining cats and dogs here in Minneapolis. (Nice to see the cats actually doing something – albeit falling from the sky)  I’m chillin’ kennelside with nothing to do but chew an old knucklebone and miss the sun.

Ahh, sunshine. I love to stick my face in it! When the alphas get home from lunch, I give them the obligatory jump on the leg and then I’m out the door and into the sweet sweet rays of Mr. Samuel Sun. (Yes, the sun has a first name. And yes, it is Samuel)

Picture me rollin’ (in sunshine):

Can’t a dog just sit here and watch Frasier without someone sticking a camera in his face. Geez!

My female alpha male’s brother-in-law is coming to town this weekend and he’s allergic to dogs. I know – that’s like the worst pox anyone could be cursed with in this world. It’s even worse than an ingrown toenail, or a presidential address right in the middle of the season finale of Scrubs!

Well there’s something about Jason’s feet that I can’t get enough of. If he’s sitting there, I get this weird urge to walk up to him and roll around all over his metatarsals. I don’t know what it is! But I just can’t get enough! I love it!

Then after a few rolls, I get told to get off Jason’s feet. It’s like something you really want but know you’ll never have. A shame, really: Me and those feet could have some fun together!

Possessed by feet!

If I were a big dog, the world would seem so much smaller. And that would suck.