New Year’s Sleep

It’s New Year’s Eve: time for champagne, dancing, and laughing! Not for me.

Now stop it! Don’t give me that “Awwwww I feel sorry for Bisket” crap. I’m actually looking forward to a little relaxation tonight. For the past week, I’ve done quite a bit and quite frankly, I’m exhausted. I met 3 new dogs, ran around a giant farm, met a bunch of new people, pooped in the winter chill of a North Dakota breeze, and helped clean up Chris Mas decorations by shredding a cardboard wrapping paper tube. So the only ball dropping for little ol’ Bisket this New Years is his one testicle on his brand new bed.

Now just because I’m not getting plastered this New Year’s doesn’t mean I can’t have a few resolutions. (Plus, what would be the point in getting totally wasted when I run around naked through the yard all year long anyways??)

Bisket’s New Year’s Resolutions:

• Eat 20% more kibble
• Sleep about the same amount per day as 2008
• Let the alphas clean my ears at least twice (and freak out every other time beyond that)
• Learn how to go for a walk
• Learn 2 new tricks: “lie down” and “dance for ham”
• Meet 1,000 new people and 50 new dogs
• Break into fridge; devour everything (including onions)
• Quit smoking
• Sign up for Jenny Craig
• Just wanted to see if you were paying attention

And just because I’m not doing anything for New Year’s doesn’t mean that you can’t. In fact, I challenge you to have a great time and run naked through your yard (collar optional). After all, it’s fun no matter what time of year you do it!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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I’m back!

Yup, I have returned from my sojourn to the magical land of North Dakota! It feels good to be home – sleeping in my own bed and pooping on my own lawn. But that’s not to say that I didn’t have a great time this Chris Mas… because it was AWESOME.

First things first. I got to meet my cousin Buford. That dog is HUGE! Here’s a video of us meeting for the first time:

 

 

Haha just kidding. But seriously, Buford’s pretty big. After we made sure that I wasn’t going to kick his ass, we were allowed to play together. As you can see, I still kicked his ass!

 

 

Bufordisaurus Rex

 

I had a blast with Buford. He showed me around the farm and I even let him chase me around the house until gran-alpha Brenda put the kabosh on that. I’ll tell ya – I miss that dog already… what a great pooch.

 

 

I got a new friend for Chris Mas

 

Besides the adventures of Detective Bisket and Deputy Buford, things went great for the Holidays. I got to open my gifts – which sadly did not include any refrigerator-breaching devices. But I did get an awesome new toy raccoon! I also got a tummy ache because I ate a crapload of treats. It was all good till I yakked all over the rug. But man was it good going down!

Anyways, here’s some pics to tide you over. Enjoy your New Year’s Eve Eve!

 

I got boots! But it's a love/hate relationship.

 

This photo is going on the back of my first novel.

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MERRY CHRIS MAS!! Love, Me

I’m off to the farm. I know what you’re thinking: “That’s exactly what Dad told us when he gave away our pet rabbit!” But you’re WRONG! Plus, that rabbit was nothing but trouble, I’m sure – chewing up all the kid’s Nintendo cords or something like that (I’m making this whole thing up). But… I digress.

Anyways, I’m seriously off to a farm in the middle of North Dakota. This will be the 5th state I’ve been to in my 7 months (Wisconsin, Minnesota, North Dakota, Illinois, Confusion), and I’m pumped! I get to meet my cousin Buford, who’s a huge yellow lab with paws the size of frying pans. I’m not intimidated. Does he have a blog? That’s what I thought.

And since I’ll be so far away from society, I might not be able to keep you up to date on my life (I’m not even sure they’ve invented toys out there! Hmmmmm… I’ll bring my own). I know you might not be able to make it though your days not knowing what I’m up to, who I saw on Springer, and if I’ve been able to poo in the cold or not. It’ll make your days far more pedestrian, and for that… I’m sorry.

But I shall return! Mark my words, I’ll be back. Until then, my friends, I wish you a very Merry Chris Mas. Or, as my culture says: “Wag wag sniff bark growl wag.”

Smell you in the new year!

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Mine.

Check it out. These are MY gifts. Nice little stockpile, if I don’t say so myself. And pretty impressive for a pooch with only 7 months of life under his collar.

Boom!

 

Here’s my guesses:

Long one on the left: A new leash?? My second guess is… a butter knife full of peanut butter.

Flat one in the front: Peanuts DVD?? Oh man, I love Snoopy. Especially when he turns into the Red Baron. I’ve got his posters all over my kennel. Pleeeeeeeaaaase let it be a Peanuts DVD.

Sort of long one on the right: I have no idea. A tiny, rolled-up, doggie-sized smoking jacket, matching slippers, and miniature bag of pipe tobacco??

That big one in the back: totally a ham. My guess is that the alphas are feeling the guilt when it comes to not giving me table scraps. A ham should even it out. (Feels pretty light for a ham though… hmmmmmmm)

Rectangular-looking one on the right: box of drill bits. You know, the kind that might maybe perhaps sort of kinda, oh I don’t know, drill through a refrigerator door.

Little guy: tiny stick of dynamite. You know, the kind that might maybe perhaps sort of kinda, oh I don’t know, BLOW OFF A REFRIGERATOR DOOR!

I love Chris Mas.

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I had big plans for this weekend. BIG plans! Remember? We were supposed to pass the knucklebone around; spend some quality face-lickin’ time together. But then someone ruined it: Chris Mas. What a jerk.

Let me explain. Yesterday, the alphas went out to do some “Chris Mas shopping.” Now I don’t know what’s wrong with this Chris Mas character. Why can’t he do his own shopping?? Sounds like some lazy, cookie-eatin’, fat man to me. But nevertheless, I got relegated to the kennel. I tried to cheer myself up by licking my own face, but that was just weird.

Anyways, after a a few hours (seemed like dog years) of bumming around feeling sorry for myself, the alphas came back. I was about to bring the Wrath of Bisket… but then they gave me a gift. It was a super-soft, ridiculously-awesome bed! I totally needed one of those. Especially since I whizzed all over the other one. I set it up my new one right by the heater, scattered a few toys, and passed heck out. Heaven!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a few faces to lick…

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Lazy Friday

It’s almost the weekend – YES!! You know what that means: the alphas and I are chillin’ like villains for 2.5 days straight. BOO-YAH! That makes me happier than a warm spot on a cool couch. (Well, almost. Ok, maybe it’s a tie)

What shall we three do together?? Pass the knucklebone around? Maybe a game of fetch? Or perhaps they could lay there and I could lick their faces for a few hours? Any of those sound good to me! But whatever. I’ll love it no matter what.

I’d write more today, but I’ve had a long week and all I wanna do is settle down with a nice hamburger and go nuts.

Smell ya later!

 

Hot dog? Hamburger? How about both?!?!

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Your Obsession

It’s that time again: time to whet your appetite for more delicious pictures of me. So now I shall dangle a few more glorious photographic moments of my life like a glistening carrot in front of your collective cyberspace noses. Enjoy! It is, after all, your obsession.

 

A little trick I do. I call it... "THE LIVING DEAD!!!" Spooooooky!

J. Crew. On sale. In case you're wondering.

 

Bag of kibble, a little water, comfy couch, and I'm out before they announce Best in Show.

This blog thing is a poopload of work!

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Minnesnowta

Sick of it!!!

Ok this cold is seriously a problem. And it’s messing with the only routine I got: my poop cycle. You can’t expect a dog to lay one down when his little paws are cookin’ less than Ward Cleaver. I mean, seriously – it’s frigid out here in Minnesnowta!!!!

Now I’m the kinda pooch who does his research. Did a background check on the alphas before they came to snatch me out of the litter. (Luckily, they checked out. Plus, they had just bought a new bed and I was SICK AND TIRED of sleeping in a wooden box with a sloppy puppy roommate. Yeah, you know who you are. Thanks for always leaving the bathroom A TOTAL MESS!!!) So you know that when I gotta go, I’m gonna be all business.

Normally, here’s how it goes down (no pun intended). I go outside and fully investigate the area. I’m like a four-legged Sipowicz – find a little something and say, “Hmmmm… squirrel poop. Now that’s interesting… Let’s take it down to forensics and see if it sticks.” (Which of course it would because, you know, it’s squirrel crap.)

Then, after a clean sweep, I narrow it down. What I’m looking for is someplace nice and clean. Maybe a little patch of bark nuggets, or under an evergreen. A little personality doesn’t hurt either – I’ll take a few flowers or a bird chirping if I can get it. Once I find my spot, I give it the sniff. The double sniff. The triple sniff… the quadruple sniff! Three and a half to four and a quarter turns later, I’m lettin’ it fly, and (without getting too detailed) that’s that.

Now if anything breaks my concentration, it’s over; I can’t go. And that’s what’s happening with this weather. I mean, I’m working with four pawsicles here! I can’t get comfortable. My whole routine is out the window!

I NEED HELP HERE, PEOPLE (and pets). What do I do? Socks? Boots? Scotch tape and Ziploc bags? Give me something!!!!!

 

NOTE: I will not accept “moving” or “stilts” as suggestions. Jerk.

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BORED.

There is NOTHING to do around here. It’s flippin’ colder than an Iditarod husky’s nuts outside, the alphas aren’t home for another 3 hours, and I can’t sleep. THIS IS KILLING ME!!!!!!!

My day since lunch:

1:01 PM: Cleaned out the Kong.

1:15 PM: Snowing?? Again??

1:22 PM: Read boring newspaper article on housing crisis. Peed all over awesome article on movie dogs. Dammit!

1:29 PM: Dozed off.

1:30 PM: Woken up by the mailman and his 700 lb boots.

1:45 PM: Can’t sleep.

2:01 PM: Check Kong for treats. Zilch.

2:09 PM: Can boredom really kill me???

2:11 PM: Canines are dogs… and teeth. WTF?!?!?!?!?!

2:36 PM: Bark at blanket for no reason.

2:52 PM: Wrote boring blog about being bored.

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Rhymes with Werner and Pooch

Totally chill day today (no pun intended). It snowed a poopload last night and it’s so cold that I can feel the boogers freeze in my scrunchy little shnoz. Sick! But anyways, besides painting the snow yellow every 3 hours, I’m chillin’ kennelside.

So if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna rest my little dome on this soft green blanket, let my eyes get heavy to the buzz of the TV and………….

WAIT! Are you serious??? You’ve gotta be kidding me… I think Turner and Hooch just came on TBS. It totally did!! CLASSIC! That dog cracks me up! HAHAHA look at that slobber!!! It’s going everywhere!!!! (NOTE: People think dogs are weird, and yet humans tuck their shirt into their underwear. I’m just saying…)

 

 

But honestly, why doesn’t Tom Hanks do more dog movies?? I’m starting a petition…

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